down to earth astrology

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 22:30:00 +0000

Dear readers,

From May 1, these horoscopes will no longer be available on www.jenjen.com.au; please update your links and redirect your browser to http://www.newmatilda.com. They will remain free every monday morning over there and you should feel free to share them on your web 2.0 books and twits and bits.

The RSS feed here will also be dropped, but you can subscribe to my articles on new matilda AND you will now find a page for these horoscopes on FB (via NM).

I apologise for the inconvenience of this move, but it is just to make sure I can continue to make this column available into the future, and continue to get paid to do it. Feel free to email me on STARS (AT) jenjen.com.au if you have any questions, or leave a comment below.

I hope you continue to enjoy Down to Earth Astrology, and thanks for your support.
-jenjen

Taurus

It’s now 20 years since Hubble launched. The Taurean telescope got off to a shaky start but is proving its worth. This week your relationships get a lesson in perspective and the fullness of time. On the other hand, it’s also the anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster.

Gemini

New research from Cell Biology journal says that sleeping helps you solve problems. Harvard scientists say dreams bring something essential to learning. Teenagers applaud. Your job satisfaction is at its peak, but timetable some strategic naps before you forget the way out of the maze.

Cancer

Do you think the people who threw petrol bombs at a house in Toorak on the weekend were class warriors raging against social inequality, or do you reckon it was some rich kids pretending to be class warriors? Does it matter who’s a fake? This week you work on your relationship with spectacle and speculation. And insurance.

Leo

I know Obama is trying to hide from immigration law reform, but did he have to arrange an assassination attempt? This week there are so many confused signals that your failures to act will either get lost or blow all out of proportion. Clean up small messes as soon as they occur.

Virgo

You have an important life choice to make right now. I know you want to draw up a list of pros and cons, maybe a spreadsheet, and come to a rational decision, but I bought Karma Kubes in an op shop for one dollar yesterday, and they say ‘Romance possible.’ You may roll again.

Libra

Libran David Cameron is looking good in the UK elections, and not just because he’s airbrushed. It’s the rising power of the Cleggalition giving him that extra puff. Right now, you are your networks, so while you’re recharging yourself, don’t go unplugging any of those cables.

Scorpio

Despite the apparent logic to sending young dole bludgers down t’mines, Abbott’s plans haven’t been popular. I suspect that like many Scorpios, he missed Compassion Day when they were handing out the human qualities. Lucky you swindled a double helping of Faking It.

Sagittarius

As a major project heaves to a close midweek you will find you have more time for yourself, but it’s been so long it might be awkward. Will you know what to say to yourself? Don’t frighten yourself away, but there’s no point waiting for the other person to make the first move.

Capricorn

Capricorn Stephen Hawking has suggested that aliens might not be so friendly, and look what happened to the Native Americans when Colombus showed up. You don’t need genius to hold your ground this week, just a combination of business sense, craftiness, and guerilla warfare.

Aquarius

With the Full Moon in your ambition sector you are rewarded for aiming high this week. If the challenges have been getting a little cruisy, now’s the time to set yourself something you know is impossible. That way, you still get to be disappointed when you achieve it.

Pisces

Saturn’s still operating on you, and I use that term because it feels exactly like some overpaid loon is poking a cold steel implement around in your innards while you’re half-dazed from anaesthetic. Whatever the hell is going on, at least you’re getting a good buzz out of it.

Aries

Pope Benedict is under pressure to resign, which begs the question, can you renege on your contract with God? An Aries’ deity is a bit like the phone company - always calls when you’re having dinner, but never answers when you need help - and will certainly slap you with a hefty exit fee. Start scheming.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 23:30:00 +0000

Dear readers,

From May 1, these horoscopes will no longer be available on www.jenjen.com.au; please update your links and redirect your browser to http://www.newmatilda.com/horoscopes. They will remain free every monday morning over there and you should feel free to share them on your web 2.0 books and twits and bits.

The RSS feed here will also be dropped, but New Matilda should have one set up for you by then.

I apologise for the inconvenience of this move, but it is just to make sure I can continue to make this column available into the future, and continue to get paid to do it. Feel free to email me on STARS (AT) jenjen.com.au if you have any questions, or leave a comment below.

I hope you continue to enjoy Down to Earth Astrology, and thanks for your support.
-jenjen

Taurus

John Brumby is being typically Taurean about the health takeover and holding his position. If you were a school camp activity, you’d be tug-o’-war. If that activity was your week, some cheeky kid would be sitting in the middle filing away at the rope.

Gemini

As all Europe panics over the inconvenience of not being able to fly, and all media struggles for a way to avoid pronouncing that volcano, Geminis are reminded to appreciate the offer of some necessary downtime. This may increase in difficulty depending on the persons with whom you happen to be stranded.

Cancer

Cancer Wayne Swan has declared this election year will be one of “strict fiscal discipline,” but by midweek something (states, children, etc) will be tugging at the heart strings to get to the purse strings and the budget won’t survive your attack of generosity.

Leo

Rather than daydreaming about what you’d like to do, this week Leos look squarely at what you are capable of achieving. This will require a little more self-reliance than usual as the planets are set to make any collaborations fraught with pointless tantrums.

Virgo

The PM counts his staff turnover in dog years now, claiming that a year as a political staffer is worth seven years of normal life. Making dents in space-time just to get your way is running with scissors, Virgo. This week your attempts at humour will come back to bite you.

Libra

Venus is still promoting intimacy but your relationships are starting to fray, so you’re not going to be as popular as you think you deserve. At the risk of sounding like I am downsizing you, this little disruption might be just what you need to get motivated for your next challenge.

Scorpio

This is not a good week for workplace scheming as rumour and misinformation will backfire. If like Tony Abbott you are feeling left out of the healthcare debate, you could try running around the block, but there is a high chance those cameras will be suffering from lycra fatigue.

Sagittarius

Sagittarian Kristina Keneally is holding on tight until someone shows her the money, which is exactly how she was trained in NSW Premier school. This week your instincts are revealed as Pavlovian habits - comforting for you, not terribly useful for those bleeding in Emergency.

Capricorn

Capricorn Mike Rann will probably go along with the health system shake-up; he thinks his job is safe. However, thwarted ambition is on the cards for you this week. Pay no attention to the three old ladies muttering about how you could be Premier of Cawdor.

Aquarius

The Mercury retrograde is not just causing havoc in the transport system, it’s mucking things up at home. This is a week of phone company limbo and customer service straight out of Kafka. You are urged to drop the standard Aquarian paranoia if you can.

Pisces

Pisces George Washington owes $324,000 in library fines for unreturned books. Sometimes your visionary status makes you forget the practical details of everyday life and act like a brat. This week look out for gentle reminders of your need for other people, and be nice to them.

Aries

Aries are sailing in troubled waters this week, but lucky for you the re-opening of the Curtin detention centre will give you somewhere to ship your leaky personage. I Can’t Believe It’s Not The Pacific Solution just got even less credible.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 23:23:00 +0000

Aries

Nicola Roxon prepares to push the cripple-in-a-wheelbarrow of health reform this week, but can she get a grip on it while Rudd is in front of her? Midweek there is a serious slip which will tilt things out of your favour; let’s hope that overprotective boss is steering you over soft ground.

Taurus

Mercury heads retrograde in Taurus on Saturday, so this week you have a chance to clarify and simplify your message before it all gets scrambled. Take a tip from the pre-election reffo riff and just mutter unhelpful flood metaphors until it all washes over.

Gemini

It’s a Pandora’s box week - a suitably Greek analogy as Gemini George Papandreou ponders the proffered EU rescue package. Basically keep a lid on it as long as you can, because any unleashing you do in the next few weeks will blow up in your face.

Cancer

The new moon in your career zone is great news for Cancerians who are bored at work. Any setbacks should be taken as opportunities for change, even when they involve personality-disordered co-workers with behavioural problems which border on harrassment.

Leo

Leo Abhisit Vejjajiva has the right idea this week. When under siege by a bunch of people with conformist fashion, withdraw your troops. Your career takes a hit but on Wednesday you’ll have a fresh travel plan, perhaps to one of those South American countries which overlooks Thaksinomics.

Virgo

Make your preparations for the weekend’s Mercury retrograde, but be aware that the disruptions will come in unexpected forms and you might have to learn on the job. Wednesday offers a fresh temptation that will lead you down the path of interesting mistakes.

Libra

For the next three weeks pay particular attention to your use of language around delicate types. The forecast is for inexplicable outbursts of emotion, so keep up the stock of hankies and beware of flying pies. Your Libran diplomacy and fetish for aesthetic tidiness will be sorely tested.

Scorpio

Dwarf planets like your ruler Pluto are commoner than we thought. ANU Astronomer Charlie Lineweaver said "It's like being a member of the Qantas Club: you think you're elite until you realise everyone else at the airport has a Qantas Club card, too." That’s your week.

Sagittarius

At the Senate inquiry into the proposed NT waste dump today, T/Os from Muckaty station are expected to voice their opposition in spite of the Northern Land Council’s support of the idea. You too have a big conflict with authority this week, so step up.

Capricorn

A housing problem gets another look this week as the new moon opens up some fresh perspective in that quarter. I’m not seeing a radical international move for you just yet, particularly as the next few weeks will be busy with many loose ends at work. And that’s just your co-workers.

Aquarius

A midweek epiphany about your message reveals both external and internal intentions. Has the story you keep telling yourself really caught up with who you are now? Think about this for at least a month before you share it, as family are on the warpath.

Pisces

The stress between your creative fulfilment and the pragmatic demands of daily life continues this week. Your art scores a last-minute point on Wednesday but by the weekend you will have a referee’s inquiry and some serious explaining to do.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 11:14:00 +0000

Aries

Aries Pope Benedict XVI has had his Easter party without a peep about institutionalised child sex abuse but I doubt his silence will make it disappear. There is no easy way out of this one, Aries, so best throw in the shovel while you can still see light up there.

Taurus

Conflict is on the cards this week, particularly when you have too much ownership over a collaborative project. The initial tension will ignite a life lesson about your ego and other people, and the thing about life lessons is to accept them while they are still relatively friendly.

Gemini

This week you’ll come around to thinking about a domestic solution which you discarded some months ago. This is the week for pulling things out of the too hard basket, unscrunching them, taking another look, and maybe investing in a deeper basket.

Cancer

Cancerian Anna Bligh has offered to throw the book at that coal tanker leaking into the Reef, but will she make a dent? This week you’d like to chuck the entire library, but there is bound to be a less taxing way to get your point across.

Leo

Communication has been strained lately, but this week signals are clearer. That means everyone will understand exactly what you mean when you shout innovative vowel sounds and bang your head on the table while muttering bastardised Aramaic swear words.

Virgo

Prime Virgo KRudd is having his very own healthcare debate as he preps for a federal takeover. With Saturn retrograding into your sign you are Mr or Ms Second Chance right now, so keep pushing your agenda, even when they are giving you that bloodshot eye-roll of exhaustion.

Libra

The last six months have been full of opportunities, Libra, in the old Chinese proverbial way. You will now pause to claim you will never again set yourself impossible tasks and face insurmountable obstacles. I hear you, but I don’t believe you. Enjoy this rare breath between Everests.

Scorpio

This week you’ll be reciting Puck’s speech at the end of A Midsummer Night’s Dream in the hope that everyone you’ve offended is reality-challenged enough to believe it was all a vision. As an exit strategy, it is still preferable to 'then everybody died.'

Sagittarius

Like Sagittarian Louis Nowra, your cheap shots are rebounding and hitting you in the face. If you are not trying to commit career suicide, put a lid on the sheila-baiting. If you are, at least have the grace to self-destruct near someone your own teeny size.

Capricorn

It’s Adult Education week on planet Capricorn as you are considering retraining, changing career, or taking up an opportunity to go back to school. For those Capricorns still in the system, perhaps you will finally be offered a chance to drop out.

Aquarius

In this week of lucky second chance draws, your bottlecap surprise is the return of an old flame. Hangups you had six months ago have been dealt with, right? Right, so you can now make the move you’ve been regretting not making.

Pisces

You are going to have to call on some assistance this week as the forces of evil are tugging against your creative and binding genius - and it’s not even tax time. Fortunately the fairy godmothers will be out of their meeting by Wednesday afternoon.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 22:30:00 +0000

Aries

Aries Lady Gaga celebrated her 24th birthday yesterday. Your face might not be on a sweatshop T-shirt yet but your popularity will soar this week. Sadly, your corner-cutting in the manufacturing department means that your popularity’s flight will be short-lived.

Taurus

Taurus Chris Evans appears unconcerned about the number of people escaping from Villawood detention centre lately. Your laissez-faire strategy is all well and good, but conflict will come looking for you midweek so be prepared to draw a line in the sand and defend it.

Gemini

With Mercury pushing all your social buttons I expect you are too busy to read this, and will get to it later in the week when your refusal to slow down has resulted in an unfortunate and crippling injury which will ground you for a few days. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Cancer

Tomorrow’s full moon in Libra turns the focus to home and family, so you’ll either be nesting up a storm or crying into the telephone. In either case I prescribe a nice hot cup of tea and a lie down; good things will come to those who can hang on a few more days.

Leo

Obama will be upsetting quite a few Leos with his health care reforms. A 10% tax on tanning salons? Solar worship is a right, right? Your vanity might be wounded this week but at least you will have a good excuse for a tropical holiday.

Virgo

Midweek there is some closure which looks surprisingly emotional, and then you’ll be a wreck for a couple of days. Fortunately you have a wonderfully short memory for human contact and by Friday you will be busily figuring out where to go next.

Libra

Regional polls in Italy are putting Libran Silvio Berlusconi to the biggest test he has had since he last rigged an election. You won’t need to pull too many strings to come out on top this week, though you will not be able to bribe all of the people all of the time.

Scorpio

Tony Abbott’s Iron Man antics are starting to look a little bit blue around the lips. Scorpio, you have won a tiny action-figure-shaped place in the nation’s heart. Now it is time to crawl into the nation’s aorta and unclot the flow of its legislative blood.

Sagittarius

There is a strong sense of social fulfilment for you on Tuesday and Wednesday which will carry over into the next month. However, look out for personal conflicts late in the week - there might be fallout from your earnest commitment.

Capricorn

Capricorn Hamid Karzai must be pleased now Obama has paid his doctor’s bill and is finding time to acknowledge the rest of the world. This is an excellent week for you to put pressure on powerful institutions with a view to taking bits of their power off them and giving it to yourself.

Aquarius

Aquarians are getting some therapy this week, and I am not just saying that because you are always getting therapy. This is an excellent week for devising spiritual quests, visiting shamanic healers, and generally supporting the legions of snake-oil quacks who prey upon your vulnerability.

Pisces

Could you try a little bit harder to communicate what you want from life? Could you be more specific about your list of demands? No? Okay then, stay vague and noncommittal, but don’t come crying to me when you get the home brand equivalent of your heart’s desire.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 22:30:00 +0000

Aries

Will Hodgman is ready to arm-wrestle for the leadership of a hung Tasmanian parliament. When the people give out power this week, Aries, they will be decisively neutral. Be careful of laying bets because you might as well be playing Snap.

Taurus

Downtime is a blessing for Taureans but don’t waste this lull. Relationship investments you make now will start to pay off next month. Not that you have the ruthlessness to think of your heart as some kind of biological stock exchange or anything.

Gemini

Gemini Grigori Perelman has won the first Millenium Prize, but he might refuse the million bucks; apparently he has become disillusioned with mathematics. Having achieved something astonishing, you are wondering what the point was. There’s never a point. Carry on.

Cancer

It’s shell time for the Crab people. Looking after yourself is important this week and you are well placed to nourish the inner life and physical body. A few friends might slip their traces while you’re in withdrawal mode, but they won’t get far since you hobbled them.

Leo

Obama’s deal-breaking healthcare vote is happening as I type, and the Sun trine Mars should ensure that it gets a final approval. This retrograde period has been a massive test of your endurance. If you pass it, you’ll make the transition you’ve been hoping for.

Virgo

It’s all about the money for Virgos right now, so keep your ear out for likely schemes. Think of MJ’s posthumous deal with Sony - still breaking sales records from beyond the grave. And they told you you couldn’t take it with you! What would they know.

Libra

Cliches are the enemy, Libra. After declaring an official boycott of the elephant in the room, you devote your week to devising more interesting analogies, hoping that the goldfish in the sandwich and the panda in the elevator will soon sweep the nation.

Scorpio

If you have any major life plans you might want to start taking them a little more seriously this week. There is a time for play, and a time for decisive action. There is a time for faffing around in your existential peripheries, and this is not it.

Sagittarius

That sense of being tugged back to earth all the time will not actually leave you, because it’s gravitational. Despite it, you will lift off the ground for a few sublime moments this week. Then the kids will start yelling at you to get off their trampoline.

Capricorn

Mike Rann will only be able to accept a weakened victory in South Australia. At what point do you take a bow, Capricorn? I think you might be confusing legacy with a game of attrition. Let’s see how many house fires you can start before you pass the torch.

Aquarius

Take a breather this week, Aquarius, because this relative quiet won’t stick around. When I say breather, I don’t mean you can drop the ball. This should be a week of dedication to what you love doing, not what you think you’re supposed to be doing.

Pisces

Orangutans are notorious aquaphobes, but some have recently been photographed swimming and apparently enjoying themselves. I mention this because you’re about to make a similar discovery as you find pleasure in something that is normally out of your element.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 22:30:00 +0000

Pisces

Today’s new moon is all yours, Pisces, so keep an eye out for epiphanies. Hint: they are not a delicious Greek pastry and you will not find them in the display case of your local bakery. But you might as well start there as anywhere.

Aries

Today is international day against police brutality. You might follow the old anarchist slogan and beat yourself up, but my advice is to stop. Stop beating yourself up about all the things you can’t achieve, and start focusing on the things you can. It makes you feel better.

Taurus

A new friend or a visitor will give you some inspiration in a week otherwise characterised by disengagement and malaise. Maybe you rely too much on other people to keep your spirits up, but who cares, that’s other people’s problem now.

Gemini

Sometimes I struggle to say anything interesting about you, even though Lara Bingle is a Gemini - guess that’s why I work here and not at the Sydney Morning Herald. This week you will drop your engagement ring down a toilet, lose some contracts, maybe grin stupidly for a bit. No big deal.

Cancer

Today’s moon will have you pining for far-off lands and people, but that should motivate you to plan some adventures for the rest of the year. There’s been some major travel on the cards for a while and now’s the time to get things moving.

Leo

Leo Barack Obama has delayed his tour of Australia because apparently he has some non-rockstar business to attend to in his own country, like making legislation or something. This week is all about where you show up, not what you’re up to.

Virgo

Mercury’s slipping into something more comfortable and your risk-taking energy is warming up. For Virgos, that means not ironing your pyjamas before bed. You might even throw the antibacterial hand wash out the window, but then you’ll run outside and pick it up again.

Libra

Libran David Cameron has a smashing profile in Vanity Fair this month. Before you get all caught up in that glossy self-image, it’s worth remembering that it’s not about how much of a plastic wanker you are but about whether or not you can pull the numbers.

Scorpio

Personally I am loving Tony Abbott’s strategic ridiculousness and I wish we could stay in pre-election hijinks forever. This week your Scorpio stunts are slightly less dangerous but ever more inspired. I take my hat off to you and also I throw up my hands.

Sagittarius

A fit of homesickness gives you a better idea of how you might configure your living arrangements. You have been thinking about what you’re missing out on instead of seeing the possibilities of a new configuration of the same old crap. See? It’s way cheaper.

Capricorn

Capricorn David Bartlett might be worried about this week’s election in Tassie, but he’s not showing it. It’s all about putting on a happy face, even if it means you have to hold up a cardboard cut-out from one of your own posters. What do you mean he’s not already doing that?

Aquarius

Aquarius, if your crusade is anything like Nick Xenophon’s latest, be careful. Taking on the creepy corporate cult could mean you are found tied up in the boot of a car with your mouth stuffed with sci-fi novels. Strangely enough, a similar scenario applies to fighting Amazon.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 22:30:00 +0000

Pisces

Rupert Murdoch tuns seventy-nine on Thursday, and will continue his vendetta against the New York Times by cordoning off sections of the actual city behind a paywall. Dear Pisces, may your media empire never crumble under the weight of reality.

Aries

Nicola Roxon has been feeling left out of the hospital takeover conversation as Rudd tries to gather brownie points for himself. Are you sensing your input isn’t appreciated? Don’t worry Aries, your turn to look busy will soon come.

Taurus

As another International Womens Day rolls around Taureans are well placed to explore their gender politics. You may not be a fish in a polluted river but this is still an excellent week to develop toxicity-related sexual dimorphism.

Gemini

With Naomi Campbell in trouble for slapping her limo driver, it looks like Geminis are out of control again. A change of circumstances means your mood swings will become less prevalent but rather more concentrated. Stay away from sharp objects.

Cancer

Cancerian Wayne Swan is gleeful about projected economic growth - at least his job is still safe. Your strategy of responsible inaction seems to be working for you, but this week you might try giving the passivity a little more oomph.

Leo

John Howard has finally landed his dream job with the cricket nerds. It is a pity he had to get through that long apprenticeship as Prime Minister of a small island nation first. This week Leos will all get the offers they’ve been hanging out for.

Virgo

Mars goes out of retrograde this week so you will be forced to backtrack on some of the messy interpersonal wars you’ve started over the last few weeks. If you don’t have an exit strategy, just withdraw so slowly that no-one realises you are really leaving.

Libra

Librans are good at giving with one hand and taking away with the other: look at Julia Gillard’s technique of teaching kids up just so they can starve when they start university. This week only about half of your earnest interventions will come good.

Scorpio

The only reason Tony Abbott’s not the next Harold Holt is that he won’t get elected first. Scorpios are so accident-prone right now, you should be prioritising your activities according to strict safety guidelines. If you believed in unions they might help you.

Sagittarius

After your recent burst of decisiveness you might be tempted to withdraw, but stay in the game: this week you will start to see more results. The feeling of power will be so addictive that you’ll be starting your own tinpot dictatorship in no time.

Capricorn

Since Abbott’s visit to Central Australia, Jenny Macklin might be tempted to drive a quad bike into the wilderness too. Be careful Capricorn, this week your cries for help are likely to be misinterpreted as mere tax dollar holidaymaking.

Aquarius

The Mars retrograde has drained your self-esteem so badly that it’s starting to look like the Murray-Darling, but it’s almost over. Later this week the floodwaters of your ego will pour in to restore your natural state of unbearable vanity.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 22:30:00 +0000

Pisces

Greece is on strike against austerity, and that is exactly what you need to be doing. Go to Greece if you must, but more importantly, loose your restraints, burst your dam and embrace excess and irresponsibility. Someone will bail you out later. Maybe.

Aries

You might be selling tickets, but your popularity is of the Tilikum-the-killer-killer-whale variety. No-one really wants to see you, they just want to see you lose it. Aries Peter Garrett might like to get his dream job with the dolphins right about now.

Taurus

Taurean Tony Blair was apparently depressed after he got into Iraq - whoda thunk a nasty thing like Abu Ghraib could happen in a war type situation? Your newfound naivety is no excuse, later this week it will be time to take responsibility.

Gemini

Mercury changes your career direction this week, but any decisions you try to make will be drowned in environmental problems, so it is best just to swim with the current. Experience tells us the third tsunami warning will be the real one.

Cancer

It’s a good week for improved water sign energy, but there is a danger of dissatisfaction with the general flow, particularly if those around you are emotionally unstable or difficult. Avoid any situation which you think would make a good reality TV show.

Leo

As Thaksin Shinawatra has his assets seized, it’s clearly crunch time for you Leos. There should be just enough distraction available for you to hide some of your shadier deals (perhaps try deeper shade) before the wind changes on your aspirations for a while.

Virgo

As Virgos deal with their recent ineffectuality, Rudd’s latest ockerism is ‘fair cop.’ Admitting your weaknesses isn’t going to cut it this week, Virgo. You’re supposed to transcend them. If that’s not an option, at least come up with a better distraction.

Libra

If your workplace isn’t actually flooding, you are getting a monsoonal downpour of new ideas. Some of them can be discarded (eg ‘build thought ark, keep two of each’) while others will become the flotsam on which you are found clinging when the rain stops.

Scorpio

Tony Abbott is a Scorpio who knows when to sit back and watch the chaos unfold. But can you restrain yourself from cackling with glee? And just how much gleeful cackling can the electorate tolerate before it turns on you as well? We will soon find out.

Sagittarius

The swelling-waters theme for this week plays out well for Sagittarians, who could do with a bit of thirst-quenching. A warning: clinical studies have shown that the quenching of thirst can lead to the putting out of the fire in your belly.

Capricorn

This week Capricorns are likely to become distressed as people around you will be expressing their emotions. If you focus on a non-human sound such as a car engine or electrical hum, it helps prevent the further upset caused by actual screaming and rocking.

Aquarius

If someone hands you an outlandishly lavish budget, just accept it and thank Jupiter. While there won’t be a financial bonus for every Aquarian, there is a good chance you will get more than you need. It helps if you know how to say yes to things.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 22:30:00 +0000

Pisces

With the Sun conjunct your ex-ruler Jupiter, there are a lot of positives coming your way this week. You can turn that frown upside-down, Gordon Brown; allegations of workplace fisticuffs will only end up making you look like less of a wimp.

Aries

The Reserve Bank reckons Barnaby Joyce lacks a basic understanding of debt. I’d argue that’s true of all Aries; consequences are usually somewhere outside your field of vision. This week is a rare exception. Try not to weep, Cassandra, it’s only temporary.

Taurus

Spare a thought for Taurean Jan Peter Balkenende, forced to step down over Afghanistan. On closer examination, though, it appears that resignation is something of a hobby for the four-time Prime Minister. Go ahead and make your stand, but this time they might not let you back in.

Gemini

Geminis are due for some insights about health this week, so perhaps you’ll suddenly see the wisdom in flogging Medibank Private, and/or flogging Barack Obama. Try not to kill two golden-egg-laying birds with one stone.

Cancer

The Dalai Lama, a typically pleasant Cancerian, usually has the luxury of leaving diplomatic messes for other people. But with the moon in Virgo, you’re going to be tidying every last speck of inappropriate alliance-building away. Just sweep it all into the drawer of cosmic unspeakability.

Leo

Whitney Houston arrived in Australia the other day and promptly told an airport driver to “get f**ked”. Okay Leo, we get that you decided not to walk in anyone’s shadow and learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all, but how about a bit of manners?

Virgo

Sunday’s full moon is particularly strong for you Virgos and will put a couple of your moral contradictions into sharp relief. If you happen to be incredibly rich, there will be less playing golf with government ministers and more philanthropy. Having babies sure does make you weak.

Libra

Julia Gillard’s tastes (not into tatts, loves Springsteen) are up for examination as if they matter. Well, for Librans, aesthetics really are the ultimate criteria, so it’s lucky you’re in a job where your haircut is going to determine the nation’s future.

Scorpio

As the ETS hots up again in the Senate, Penny Wong is starting to act more like a passionate, melodramatic, emotionally manipulative Scorpio, and less like the block of wood we took her for all this time. It’s nice to see you back, Scorp. Don’t break any windows.

Sagittarius

Stephen Smith threatens to take Japan to the cleaners over whaling, but only if the deadline’s at a safe, post-election distance. Japan responds, ‘whatevs.’ Sagittarius, you’ve already dithered for too long. If it needs doing, do it now.

Capricorn

In the presence of millions, Tiger Woods apologised to his wife last week. His wife is like the Stolen Generation of golf wives now. Nothing concrete will ever change for her, but at least the symbolic redemption will take a couple of years to go sour.

Aquarius

If you don’t get a payrise this week, it won’t be for want of whinging about it; Aquarians look set to take the issue of Australian Workplace Agreements to a whole other level. First you make it impossible for them to fire you, and then you just make it impossible for them.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 22:30:00 +0000

Pisces

Pisces Viktor Yushchenko is icing the cake of disappointment as the Ukraine re-elects the bad guy he deposed in 2004. This week you get a late compensation for your recent failures. While you don’t get to run any countries, we will at least have you eating cake.

Aries

Peter Garrett wants to set your house on fire! Sure, Aries are irresponsible, but sometimes you are simply blamed for things you didn’t have any control over. Go ahead and stand in the corner looking contrite anyway, it usually gets you off the hook.

Taurus

Despite your recent disaffection with shallow social climbers, you’ll be seized by an appetite for good company this week. Arranging last-minute invitations and retracting apologies is no problem, but you might have to swallow some of that hermit pride.

Gemini

Gemini George Papandreou is probably feeling a bit sheepish about asking for help. You’re all challenged by your vulnerability right now. Think of it as being plugged in to an infinite web of complex interconnectivities known as serious debt.

Cancer

The moon in dreamy Pisces places you in serious danger of slapping a Magic Happens sticker on your car. Stop, before it’s too late! Whatever you do, make sure your many acts of kindness are non-purple, sparkle-free, and dished out according to merit.

Leo

Obama has a date with the Lama on Thursday. For Leos, making friends is a tough decision right now. If you meet him, it could result in a massive diplomatic rift with China. If you don’t meet him, ditto California. We all know you’ll choose the better photo op.

Virgo

Rudd tried blaming the GFC for his broken promises the very same week that some economist declared the crisis over (at least until the next one). It seems you’re out of touch with the exchange rate of standard excuses. Perhaps you need to hire a promisonomist.

Libra

This week you will find the long-lost jar of elbow grease that allows your work to proceed with its natural passionate energy and creative flair. As a bonus you will solve the mystery of that weird noise at your desk. Turns out it was your elbows creaking.

Scorpio

You have always prided yourself on swimming against the stream. Don’t you realise that means you have to work twice as hard to get half as far? And then at the end you get eaten by bears! At this rate you might as well be a woman in Canberra.

Sagittarius

Poor old Kim Beazley had a nasty fall over in the US, but at least he gets to chill on the couch for a while. This week’s stars cause a Sagittarian comfort blowout. You might gain a few kilos, but that ought to cushion the next embarrassing landing.

Capricorn

The end of your lunar cycle should see you emotionally calmer, ready to accept whatever circumstances you have landed in with equanimity. You may now dedicate Whinge Time to your preferred customer service hotline/comment thread.

Aquarius

February 17 is International Hug a Bigfoot Day, which was probably just planted on Wikipedia by a bored Aquarian, but that’s what passes for research around here. Many of you will already be out bunyip hunting; Aquarians with birthdays this week will be the bunyips.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:30:00 +0000

Aquarius

Last week’s healing conjunction is still buzzing and Venus escalates the love midweek, so expect some annoying social obligations to be more successful and delightful than you predicted. Say yes to every opportunity, within reason.

Pisces

Gordon Brown has the kind of irrational optimism we can expect from Pisceans this week as you are revved up to win despite the odds, or the evidence. Use your inexplicable confidence as a propellant and don’t let anyone talk you down off that unstable cloud.

Aries

Aries Barnaby Joyce is at least making Parliament entertaining with his fumbles, but this week your mistakes land you in some hot water. By all means celebrate Chinese New Year with a tiger motif, but please remember that bouncing, haycorns and fireworks don’t mix.

Taurus

Taureans should already be settled into their routine for the year by now, but if you are still undecided, this is a week to figure out a family constellation which will match your home furnishings. Grandma may have to move into the garden shed. I won’t tell DoCS if you don’t.

Gemini

The G7 has picked up on messages of generosity and goodwill by forgiving earthquake-stricken Haiti its debts. It’s highly likely the deal was devised by a Gemini, because there are so many complications and sub-clauses that the only person better off after your noble sacrifice is you.

Cancer

Cancerian Anna Bligh is happily selling more Queensland coal-holes to China. You don’t have the answer but Sunday’s new moon will resolve some of your short-term cash flow problems and bring more energy to the parts of your life where you get to wear a hardhat.

Leo

Mars is still retrograde and that means Leos miss the mark. This week your reality explanations will be so far off target and your interpersonal skills so horrifying that you’re a shoe-in for the National Party. So I guess you need to start working on your hay-chewing.

Virgo

With Virgo Beyonce cleaning up at the Grammys, you are reminded that your achievements are substantial, and even deserved, but maybe you could pretend to be a bit surprised, as just going ‘hmm, thanks again’ is starting to appear smug.

Libra

Librans are feeling pretty swamped, with all these work and family obligations, and that means your Valentine’s Day romance will probably take the form of a sincere apology to your significants as they drag you through the sludge. Invest in a decent tow rope.

Scorpio

Scorpios are still harping on about last year’s issues. As Tony Abbott plays the worn old refugee card, it’s worth asking yourself what you’re really afraid of. For example, when you think about your political future, does any of it take place on a raft?

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are supposed to be lucky, but lately you’ve been feeling all but cursed. Well, this Thursday you will have an epiphany about how subtle shifts in your environment can make radical alterations possible. If you can’t change your life, move the furniture.

Capricorn

Capricorns will find it easier to ask for help this week, and to your surprise people are actually cheering you on. You discover the joys of having collaborators on your project and the advantages of blaming them when it explodes in your face.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 23:30:00 +0000

Aquarius

e e cummings wrote your horoscope this week: ‘Humanity i love you because you are perpetually putting the secret of/ life in your pants and forgetting/it's there and sitting down// on it’ All I have to add is check your pockets before you do your washing.

Pisces

A triple conjunction on Friday blesses Pisceans with holistic abilities such as psychic healing, talking to the animals and being able to channel the ancient spirits of trees. Actually you just watched Avatar so many times you may never return to your pathetic crippled self. Oh well.

Aries

As we come up to an election year, I can see Aries Peter Garrett contemplating another term with growing horror. When your day job was singing pirate songs at the Opera House, why did you give it up? This week you get a chance to return to a former passion.

Taurus

Last week Taurean Tony surprised no-one by channelling Edith Piaf for his Je Ne Regrette Rien, I’d do it all again speech. A mite tasteless in front of the weeping widows, but hard truths must be said. This week your popularity falls to record lows. Again.

Gemini

Sensitivity and caution are called for this week, as your personal agenda will overwhelm calm analysis and put you at a serious disadvantage later when the fight becomes less about who gets what and more about moral righteousness. I smell an election.

Cancer

Midweek will be a good time to be friendly, though others will confuse your signals. Take the initiative, even when it feels like your niceness is becoming belligerent. A bombardment of Cancerian niceness will surely win over even the meanest of big meanies.

Leo

Leo Hugo Chavez is copping protests from both sides. This week you ponder the inertia which results from being pushed in two opposite directions. Happily, it allows you to stay sitting smugly on your giant oil reserve nest, making nonsensical speeches about your own ineffable wisdom.

Virgo

As parliament resumes and Rudd psychs up for an election year, Virgos are all about the training montage. Long speeches about fiscal responsibility and education infrastructure may be exciting for you, but please remember that you are mostly there to entertain us.

Libra

The triple conjunction in Aquarius will mean that you get some new information, but painfully. I predict Julia Gillard upgrades the My School website to include stats on individual playground bullies: it’ll be 15 Chinese burns this week at Libra High.

Scorpio

Perhaps Tony Abbott was only trying to protect his kids when he made those tacky remarks about teenage virgins last week. With you Scorpios, it seems the debate always has to rage somewhere below the belt. This week is no exception.

Sagittarius

Not content with cutting military ties with the USA or declaring war on Google, Hu Jintao is now having henchmen hide spyware in those freebie USB drives they give away at conferences. Come on Sagittarius, this isn’t a James Bond movie.

Capricorn

If you’re looking for an escape, take a page from Capricorn JD Salinger’s book. The old recluse, who passed away last week, decided at some point in the 1960s to become a mythical character and was barely heard from again. It's really an excellent way to stay in print.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 22:07:00 +0000

Aquarius

Your taste for the eccentric applies particularly to personal relationships now, so if you've been loyal to a simple ideal or formula, this is the time to expand it. When approaching these experiments, light-hearted friendliness is your best strategy, rahter than kamikaze desperation.

Pisces

You are feeling optimistic this week, but only in an Afghanistan-elections kind of way. There is nothing so optimistic as the hope that delaying tactics will eventually get results. Come on Pisces, strike while the iron is set to Synthetics.

Aries

With Mars acting up, your enthusiasms will grate. Individualist striving is likely to run up against some pretty defensive collective harmony, so don't be surprised if you find unexpected groups of people strategically meditating at you.

Taurus

Tony Blair makes his long-awaited appearance before the Chilcot inquiry this week; Taureans are facing some loud music right now. In a week of serious consequences, the only real question is this: will it be a pie in the face on Friday, or a shoe in the ear?

Gemini

Geminis who are pining for love should take note that this week everyone's warm, affectionate urges are fraught with aggression, conflict and confusing signals. So it's not just you. Don't be shocked if you end up on a paintball date.

Cancer

You are too busy having emotions right now to manage any other kind of breakthrough. The full moon in Leo on Saturday will brighten up your week with a feeling of having achieved something, even if you can't quite remember what it was.

Leo

Your usual arsenal is unavailable and your attempts to rally your troops are falling flat. You're also making irrational distinctions between goodies and baddies. Either make a strategic retreat or reinvent yourself as a mid-east security consultant.

Virgo

With Rudd under fire for his unfulfilled promises to fix the health system, it's clear Virgos are feeling the heat. You might think you're the lone voice of reason here, but you need to be the amplifier-stack of reason if you want to make any headway.

Libra

Overall this is a frustrating week. You'll be on the right track and enjoying yourself, but can't avoid copping a fair bit of resentment. Competitive peers will leave nasty anonymous remarks on one of your internet thingamies. Smile sweetly and laugh while you can.

Scorpio

As Joe Biden has promised to appeal the court's decision to let Blackwater off the hook, I'm starting to wonder if you Scorpios have stumbled upon some secret stash of nads. You'll be taking small stands against big guys, and you will look good doing it.

Sagittarius

Normally, you prefer to spend Australia day abroad, inspecting your countryfolk from a safe distance. Tomorrow you will be playing Bogan spotto. Beer singlet? Tick. Mullet? Tick. Ned tattoo? Tick. Bourgeois shudder? Head for the Esky.

Capricorn

Mercury is still amping up your listening ability, but you will need to catch more than the drift this week. You have a serenity infection bordering on the severely apathetic. Today's spanner in the dreamworks is brought to you by an unhinged ex.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 23:09:00 +0000

Aquarius

Your power state for 2010 is Western Australia. Stop packing, I'm being metaphorical. You're due for a massive resource boom, plus some dodgy anti-association laws, one surprise hit musical and a few new ways to turn your isolation into a drawcard.

Pisces

How was your quantum leap, Pisces? This week, dust off your jumpsuit and get used to your new surroundings. Spend a few days carefully furnishing this expedition with provisions. Then follow the road you're on, even if it's not yellow or brickish.

Aries

An Aries correspondent recently complained of excessive spiritual growth. Tired of taking every astrological omen as some kind of soul-building exercise? Well, with Mars in proactive Leo, this is a good time to clear out the cupboards instead.

Taurus

Taurean Naomi Klein warned against the kind of militarist reaction they're getting in Haiti. She's right, this is no week for the riot squad. It doesn't have to take a disaster - it's all about calm discussion, then fair sharing-out of the last packet of damp biscuits. What do you mean you already ate them?

Gemini

Gemini Prince William was met by only a handful of fans at Auckland Airport on the weekend, most of them carrying welcome signs planted by Channel Nine. If you weren't yet aware that it's all a hoax, you will soon be told. Time to perfect that good-humoured, self-effacing laugh.

Cancer

Even the most domestic of Cancerians won't be satisfied with staying home this year as Jupiter opens up some opportunities for travel or study, starting this week. Don't baulk at singing for your supper, cause your voice is worth a twelve-course banquet.

Leo

Leos who've been disappointed with the slow pace will soon be powering through the tasks. As the new year sets in you will find yourself photovoltaically converting the hot sun of your resolutions, which beats lying around in the cheap solarium of your empty promises.

Virgo

Mercury's out of retrograde and that will make the uphills easier. Good news for Virgo Lance Armstrong, who is pedal-powering his way through South Australia. You will perform well and accept adulation with all the grace of an elderly flamingo in a zoo.

Libra

The week begins with a positive angle: as Venus conjuncts the sun and crosses into a trine with Saturn your creativity will feel like it's coming easily for once. Any work you put in now will multiply like a manic mitotic micro-organism on methamphetamines.

Scorpio

Push yourself, but do so honestly. Mars will be asking you to try hard this year, and it's best not to waste energy on something impossible. While I'm not saying you don't have a few impossible achievements in you, this just isn't the week. I do love to burst your balloon.

Sagittarius

Like Sagittarian Kristina Keneally, you have a sneaking feeling that you're headed for a fall, or at least your head is. While you're definitely safer staying at home this week, there's a danger of stagnation. If you're damned either way, you might as well enjoy yourself.

Capricorn

Evasiveness has become glaringly apparent, and not just in your horoscope. Jupiter's promoting good communication this year so be clear about what you're saying and junk the jargon. For once, meaningful content will be more important than style.

2010 : Year Ahead Forecast

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Rising up! We're back on the streets. Yep, 2010 is the year of the Tiger. The Yang Metal Tiger, that is - a competitive, ambitious, spontaneous, reckless, potentially disastrous kind of year. Worryingly, the Metal Tiger year is associated with foolhardy investments and lemming-like activity. Wasn't that 2008? It doesn't bode well for global problem-solving, but maybe this gung-ho, no-holds-barred bulldozer approach is just what we need to get things fixed around here.

It's not just Chinese astrology which is predicting a lively year. Mars hangs around in pro-active Leo until June. The dominant mentality in 2010 will be assertive, risk-taking and battle-ready, so existing conflicts will escalate and new ones will sprout up. But don't worry, peaceniks, it's not all warrior princess and no play.

There's a Mercury retrograde in Capricorn from Boxing Day until the 15th January, so the year starts out a little confused and plans and projects will be disrupted. On top of that we have Mars retrograde in Leo from now until March. This aspect is all about sabotage, self-interest stalemates, and non-co-operation so the fragility of the carbon emission targets we have will be seriously tested. The other Mercury retrogrades are in April-May (in Taurus) and August-September (in Virgo), so the Earth signs will be copping the confusion this year and money will be a little slippery.

As it did in 2009, the Saturn-Uranus opposition comes in and out of play for the first half of 2010, after which humanity will emerge blinking from the lab with some new ideas about its future. With Saturn swinging back into Virgo, we get some last-minute answers to challenges that have been plaguing us since 2007 - expect a radical work and welfare restructure from Labor, which might actually start to look like it has a couple of policies.

In terms of the ongoing earth-choking tournament known as climate change, there's a Saturn square Pluto over much of the year which will drag international agreements into slow motion. Paperwork, confused ambitions, fine print - it's business as usual there.

There's a big wildcard, though. On the 8th June Jupiter and Uranus are conjunct on 0 degrees Aries which is basically a big cosmic reset button. That's when we'll see some results from the Large Hadron Collider that challenge our understanding of reality - more than the mess of feathers we've been getting so far. No-one will comprehend these developments except a clutch of eggheads, but some idiot will work out a way to harness them for mass destruction.

July-August has a dominant Jupiter square Pluto which will slow down the frenzied risk taking and slug us all with some serious debt hangovers. Quite a few astrologers have been predicting 2010 as the next 1929; they were all a bit upset when the GFC came early. Fortunately a retrograde Jupiter in the middle of the year will inject a spot of frugality into the mix, so last-minute credit refusals and spending cuts will do us all a spot of good.

Speaking of the jolly fat planet, Jupiter's in Pisces next year. This will affect each sign differently but for all of us it's a good year to feed our deeper connection with the planet, if it's still talking to us. We'll be rewarded for nurturing our imaginations and reaching out to aliens. Sensitive, moderate Pisces will ease the warrior urges and tame the economic chaos. This is a big transit for compassion, generosity, and faith, which will be a bit confusing for Tony Abbott, who will again be forced to signal his vulnerability by exposing his chest hair to the world. Ewww.

Later in the year a Venus retrograde in sexy Scorpio will skew relationships and bring desire into the foreground. If there's an August election, reproductive freedom will be a big issue. Let yourself act out of character and experiment during this period, but beware of making assumptions about relationship developments. It's a dangerous time for empty promises.

Speaking of which 2010 is of course an election year and I for one am rubbing my hands together with glee at the thought of Tony and Kevin going toe to toe, mainly because I think it will divide the Christians. Kevin's going to have a few issues early in the year with Saturn retrograding into Virgo - for a while he will look swamped by the thick mud of governance. Expect a hostile Senate and some of his spending sprees coming back to bite him.

If he survives as leader until then, Tony Abbott has the bad luck to be matched against someone slightly younger than him, slightly less threatening than him, and with much more powerfully positioned personal planets. Tony's Mars in peacemaking Libra makes him less hardline than many commentators think. Kevin's Sun conjunct Mars makes him a natural winner, in spite of all appearances to the contrary, and with Jupiter transiting his sixth this year he'll take the election with a safe margin. Though the stars favour risk it's not enough to tip him off his perch. I'm also seeing Julia take more credit for her work - the resistant climate will give her the chance to prove her capabilities.

Overall it will be a confusing year of changes, risks, and a few catastrophes. Some of your green technology investments will collapse so start stockpiling oil, gas and penguins. Let Pisces energy guide you toward painting welcome signs on your roof where you can sit waiting for some higher culture to save us from our inexorable fuckups. And remember, in the Year of the Tiger it's the thrill of the fight, so rise up to the challenge of your rivals. Claws ready? Happy new year.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 23:30:00 +0000

This is my last regular column for the year, but don't fret, next week I'll be posting my Year Ahead Forecast for 2010 and it's a cracker. I'll be back January 18. You can manage til then can't you? Good.

Sagittarius

There's an idealistic Sagittarian moon overseeing the second week of negotiations at Copenhagen, and with Venus sunning herself in your sign you're bound to see the benefit of positive changes. That melty feeling ain't just your ice caps.

Capricorn

The imminent canonisation of Mary MacKillop reminds us that Capricorns don't have to cure cancer to get a halo over your heads; you just have to be in the right place at the right time and keep your impure thoughts to yourself. It's a week of such small miracles.

Aquarius

Some new family constellations will pop up for you this week, e.g. long lost unheard-of bastard love child comes knocking asking for cash. In the main the shifts will be refreshing and hopeful, rather than debt-inducing, but transfer your savings to a secret account today just in case.

Pisces

Since you are already one of the people who thinks the Large Hadron Collider's run of kamikaze birds is a message from the future, I won't bother introducing the concept of parallel universes here. I'll just point out that you're about to phase-jump into a really good one.

Aries

You really want to be in charge of things this week, and okay it's your turn, but it's also an excellent week for compromise and diplomacy, so would you mind very much not bossing anyone around for the next, oh, four or so years? Thanks.

Taurus

While you're getting suckered into neighbourhood Christmas light displays featuring eerily animated penguins, the planet is in trouble. Yes, there are small things each of us can do. Hint: the population of real penguins is in inverse proportion to the number of plastic ones.

Gemini

If you get up very early tomorrow you might just catch some falling stars in the north-west corner of the sky. Literally, it's time for the Geminid meteor shower again. Metaphorically, I hope you've been making some healthy wishes this year.

Cancer

Cancerians who demand a windfall this week are probably ingrates. Having said that, something will come up that makes your labours of love a little less laborious and a touch more lovely. Is it just the holidays, or did you get a repeat prescription?

Leo

Have a read of Obama's Nobel Prize acceptance speech to get the hang of how to make hypocrisy look like altruism. Now that you know what you've been up to, drop it. This week there is more to be gained from genuine intentions than the 'enlightened' self-interest known as politics.

Virgo

The mid-December sense that all things are shrivelling into insubstantiality is very frustrating for you Virgos, but at least it will give you an insight into the minds of the drought-affected farmers who will bash down your office door next year if you don't do enough about climate change.

Libra

School might be over but you take an advanced exam in negotiating powers this week. Whether you're in Denmark or Deniliquin you'll be called upon to settle the equivalent of an all-pub post-match shout-off. This might not be the best time for Libran dithering.

Scorpio

Happy Monkey Day, Scorpio! Sure, it's one of those internet-era holidays that was dreamed up by some comic book artist and trickled through the global office hive mind, but celebrate it anyway. You need to indulge your inner tree-swinging trickster.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Sagittarius

'Either you repeat the same conventional doctrines everybody is saying, or else you say something true, and it will sound like it's from Neptune,' said Noam Chomsky, who turns 81 today. This week Neptune super-charges your higher calling, so speak up.

Capricorn

Critical Capricorns are very perceptive this summer, and good at pointing out everyone's weaknesses. Yelling 'Damnit, you'll kill us all, you idiots!' might not help the negotiation process, but it's true. Take up your banner and hit the streets.

Aquarius

You swim against the stream, but this week it's a good idea to surrender to the prevailing currents. Like Yukio Hatoyama, you will achieve much merely by refusing to block the flow. Otherwise you'll end up like fellow Aquarian Nathan Rees: with the plug pulled out from under you.

Pisces

Like Pisces Gordon Brown, you are in danger of letting petty matters interfere with the big picture. So what if Sarkozy called you a loser? There are much bigger issues at stake this week. Besides, doing something faintly heroic will probably make you look cool.

Aries

As Mars promotes Aries leadership, I'm predicting South Africa's Jacob Zuma will bring some targets to the table. Don't get too attached to your ideas though as today's moon makes you emotional and you will cry when they crush your little dreams.

Taurus

As Venus in Sagittarius makes you aesthetically restless, you are far more concerned about your latest fashion crisis than some stupid talks in Denmark. Pay attention though, because you'll need to know whether to shop for gumboots and Floaties.

Gemini

Your ability to ask the tough questions places you halfway between the powerbrokers and the protesters. Don't waste time examining your own moral status. If you're too busy navel-gazing, you'll miss all the action, and you know how you get when that happens.

Cancer

A few challenges test your equilibrium this week. Inspired by Where The Wild Things Are, you deal with your anger quickly by smashing up your friends' houses then staging an interminable and confusing process of self-examination replete with false epiphanies.

Leo

I'm hoping you Leos discover your altruistic side this week as several of you are set to toy with all our futures. You can be a hero or a villain, so you better choose who gets the coolest costume and rocket-powered aircraft. Damn! it's always the bad guys.

Virgo

Along with post-ETS Kevin, you're looking for a new scheme to divert popular fears. But sudden clear visions of the future will soon have you looking for your own personal fret-deflector. Quit trading in anxiety and find something practical to do.

Libra

India and Russia are both interesting players at Copenhagen, but Russia has a better poker face. From Librans Manmohan Singh and Vladimir Putin we can expect some fine peacebroking, though decisiveness will have to wait until next week.

Scorpio

Penny Wong is off to represent Australia at Copenhagen. She may not be the most charismatic of politicians, but never underestimate a Scorpio. This week some serious moral pressure will pay off as you manage to work ambitious magic with few resources.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Sagittarius

Amidst the kerfuffle of last-minute ETS negotiations, you too are scrambling for answers. Your judgement has been clouded lately, which must be all the coal-smoke, but you now have a window of happy clarity which should culminate in good decision-making. About time.

Capricorn

Capricorn Tiger Woods had a minor accident last week which created a major media frenzy. Maybe it was just a scratch, but on the other hand, you are very expensive to fix. This week your inherent preciousness talks insurance policies.

Aquarius

In medieval lore, salamanders were thought to emerge from fire. What they were actually doing was falling asleep in rotten logs and running out of their beds when someone set them alight. This week you will achieve a similarly mythic awakening.

Pisces

All of your leaves have been edged with the burnt browns of exhaustion lately, but this week someone will come by with the hose. There will be at least enough water for you to consider some new shoots, if not outright evolution of sentience.

Aries

Energetic Aries will be pressed in several directions this week, so the outcomes will be confusing. Make an Advent calendar and pack it with sweet treats. Your daily Pavlovian response will give you the comforting illusion that you control the passage of time.

Taurus

With Venus shifting house this week, recent dichotomous conflicts will start showing signs of third-way solutions. Climate change giving you the mean reds? Apply for some community development funding to start a doomsday cult.

Gemini

It's a mistake Geminis keep making: you think that because you can explain something, you understand it. This week, pay close attention to the inexplicable, incomprehensible, and illogical in your world. Embrace your ignorance. You'll thank me later.

Cancer

It looks to me like your luck is turning, Cancer. After a long existential trial you will find that your desires can become intentions and manifest as actions. Maybe you shouldn't have wasted all that time in class trying to bend spoons, but at least you're catching up now.

Leo

You are deeply frustrated. Where there's a power vacuum, there's a Leo ready to fill it. Just as Joe Hockey steps back into the wings, you retreat only to work on your strategy, sharpen your weapons, and redraft your election speech.

Virgo

There is actually a great chance of success at the moment, which is annoying, because you have almost perfected your theory as to why failure is inevitable. Still, your research into the futility of optimism will keep you going for a while yet.

Libra

Julia Gillard's Wonka-esque photo shoot won't help anyone take her seriously. The biscuit for Libran hilarity is taken, however, by Steve Fielding's comment that gay marriage is wrong because 'a bloke cannot marry his brother.' Oh well. At least you are making 'em laugh.

Scorpio

Like Turnbull, you need that Scorpion ability to stick to your guns when all around you the grubby claws of the less evolved are trying to drag you back into the dark ages. If you're intent on being a feudal despot, be a feudal despot with vision.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Sagittarius

The BBC reports that Sagittarian Hu Jintao is sending pandas to Adelaide to heal diplomatic tension between Beijing and Canberra. You can't help but make these lateral, coded gestures. Thank goodness you are not all in charge of endangered species.

Capricorn

Mike Rann is in trouble this week as his allegedly-ex makes accusations about their alleged sex life. Capricorns are like ducks: let's hope that's in the sense of water running off your back, not the sense of being out before you get a chance to run.

Aquarius

Between Rove and Oprah, quitting is in the air for Aquarians. For those without a talk show, it's still time to reconsider your ambitions and ditch any obligations that are dead ends. Where do you go after you reach the top, anyway? The parachute shop?

Pisces

It's an energetic week, but you won't have the solution to your restlessness right away; you will probably end up like that old guy who left his house in Yass to get the paper and accidentally drove to Geelong. Why do you still have a licence?

Aries

Eighty-two-year-old Aries Peter Cundall was arrested last week for protesting against the pulp mill. There's no stopping you! Get out the cape because Mars will have you bending back those prison bars and stopping bulldozers with one hand.

Taurus

Taurean Nabokov has a new book out this week, despite being dead. It's time to contemplate what works will survive you, what gestures you can make towards immortality, and how the hell you can find a wife like Vera to write all your novels for you.

Gemini

You're very quick on the uptake this week so take full advantage of any time-critical situations that come your way. If there was a fast-talking race you would win it, but more likely you will be the only one who cares enough to be ready with the quickdraw stopwatch.

Cancer

You feel pretty expansive right now and your social judgement is spot-on so get in contact with those neglected friends. Besides, if you can help them through this confusing, emotional time, they will owe you when you need them next.

Leo

With healthcare reform set to be debated in the US Senate, it looks like Leo Obama has won another round. This week you need to make your gains count as the universe hits you with a double or nothing challenge. You did say you wanted to be in a game show.

Virgo

Move fast, Virgo, because your life is about to turn into a cinematic chase sequence complete with crashing fruit stalls and parkour-style building leaps. This is a week where you can outrun nasty consequences with some clever ducking and weaving. Wear sneakers.

Libra

Venus encourages impulsiveness this week. Saturn's pull will slow your pheremone addiction and save you from maxing out at the florist, but you might want to enlist a Cyrano de SMS to filter out the more regrettable midnight declarations.

Scorpio

The new EU President, Herman Van Rompuy, is a Scorpio, and like him you have inherited a headache of symbolic responsibility. Big gestures will be needed, but use careful judgement as a mistake now could get you banished to the outer colonies.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Scorpio

Today's new moon sees you digging through junk you put in storage years ago. It's a great week for jettisoning old relationship baggage into deep space where it can mystify life on other planets with its poorly evolved understanding of happiness.

Sagittarius

Like Stephen Smith, you are having trouble finding a babysitter for your issues. Mercury's arrival brings a strong message so no more procrastinating and/or begging neighbouring countries to save you. Later in the week the initiative you're taking will feel natural.

Capricorn

'I went to sleep as Rhianna and woke up as Britney Spears,' said Capricorn Rhianna of the media frenzy around her breakup with violent partner Chris Brown. Embrace your vulnerabilities, Capricorn, before you wake up in someone else's horrible circus.

Aquarius

What Aquarians really need right now is a good idea. You think you've got a few, but really you've just got the same old ideas wrapped up in a new shade of brown. Either start exploiting some creative youths or apply for a job as adviser to the ALP.

Pisces

Not only is Piscean arch-villain Rupert Murdoch bent on destroying the New York Times, word is he's now set his laser beams on Barack Obama. Over-extending yourself with the personal vendettas? Nothing says mwahaha like a little chilling restraint.

Aries

Aries Senator Nick Minchin gave good dimwit on climate change last week. Can you keep it up? It looks like you are about to learn how the baby polar bear feels when it's floating away from its mother on a sheet of melting ice. Deny that, sucker.

Taurus

Your relationships come into focus this week, which makes you wonder why you have been carrying on for so long in blurry relationships. Clear sight won't make you any better at changing direction, but at least you'll know where you're headed.

Gemini

You know what your problem is Gemini, you're bored. Without other people watching, your life appears absurd and meaningless. (See? Even tautology has lost its charm.) Ramp up your existence with excessive diarising and do only that which will make an interesting read.

Cancer

Happy International Day for Tolerance, Cancer. It's a misunderstood quality, often mistaken for apathy; you have both in spades. This week, you draw a line between what you really stand for and what you couldn't be bothered getting up to deal with.

Leo

Leo confidence is backfiring this week as awkward astral energy makes your bold pronouncements look like belligerent confusion. You could try making some belligerent pronouncements, but I think you'll have better luck with bold confusion.

Virgo

Dull old Kevin reckons he has infinite patience. Looks like Virgos are trying an old familiar tactic of boring everyone else into submission, but lately it doesn't seem to be working. Don't worry. One more 'when it comes to' and we'll all be out cold.

Libra

Your heart is in the right place, Libra, but your spirit is on back to front and you keep putting your wrong foot forward. You were falling apart, you pulled yourself together, and now you're in the wrong order. Enough with the premature psychic mechanics.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Scorpio

You're not normally one for resorting to principles, so it's a surprise when you start denouncing irresponsible spending in your rivals. Like Turnbull, the rising floodwaters of your unpopularity will soon turn the moral high ground into an island.

Sagittarius

Sagittarian Britney Spears is copping flack for lip-synching her Australian tour. Communication will be back up from next weekend, but until then you'll have so much trouble getting your message across that you might as well be playing blind charades.

Capricorn

This is a good week for sneaking around, Capricorn. It's like how those Sri Lankans showed up to distract Macklin's detractors from the Racial Discrimination Act. A giant finger appears from the sky and a booming voice says 'Hey everyone, look over there!'

Aquarius

You get stumped by a fairly serious career setback this week, but you'll gain an important spiritual lesson in the process. It's great that you're the kind of person who appreciates the things money can't buy, because you can't afford anything else.

Pisces

In case you haven't been bombarded with memorial specials, today is the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. A good time to remember it didn't fall - it was unsystematically knocked down. This week, keep chiselling away at your personal barriers.

Aries

It's a popularity crisis this week as peacemaking efforts rub up against a rather more powerful instinct for self-promotion. If you still don't know the difference between good attention and bad attention, avoid large gatherings of military personnel.

Taurus

Taurean tantrums are being neutralised with silence; Bainamarama's latest diplomatic spack-out barely copped a backslap from the Rudd government. Creative solutions please. Instead of escalating non-speaking terms, send a singing telegram.

Gemini

Mercury shuffles into your relationship sector on Sunday, so this is a great week for tying up loose ends at work, scheduling irritating meetings that should be got out of the way, and checking how much leave you've accrued so you can spend some of next week arguing.

Cancer

Wednesday is the anniversary of Ned Kelly's hanging and Cancerian Gough Whitlam's sacking. It seems Remembrance Day is about more than just uniform fetishisation; it's about coming up with a good soundbite to mark your defeat. Get composing.

Leo

Leo Thaksin Shinawatra has caused a stand-off between Thailand and Cambodia by getting himself a job as the latter's financial adviser. Perhaps Thailand ran out of money to extort. This week, you engage in strategic bridge-burning for fun and profit.

Virgo

Stephen King writes poetry for Playboy now? You Virgos are full of surprises. Some of these surprises will please some of your fans some of the time. A little selective project-announcing is in order, so keep any inappropriate excitement under wraps if you can.

Libra

This week, Librans are coming over all road-to-Copenhagen: your indecisiveness is leading to the kind of inertia that will kill us all. At this rate, the corporations will start solving your problems without you - wouldn't that be embarrassing.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Scorpio

You're too indecisive to put a bet on this week's Melbourne cup, unless it's a dollar per horse. Celebrate your vacillation by sporting a fascinator made out of a defibrillator, and don't fret - gambling losses will be offset by legitimate gains at work.

Sagittarius

In Mexico, today is Dia de los Difuntos, when the souls of dead adults are lavished with offerings of sugar skulls and marigolds. This week, you might have to put out an altarful of lollies to get what you need, but it will be worth it.

Capricorn

You'll be pipped at the post by a faster pony this week. If you put your hoof in it, the resulting social dramas should be resolved quickly with direct action tactics. Next time don't just fantasize about putting ketamine in your rival's nose bag.

Aquarius

Your magical powers will be heightened this week, so don't be disturbed if you levitate. Later in the week, someone will come along and put rocks in your pockets to keep you grounded, and for a change you'll appreciate the intervention.

Pisces

Pisces L Ron Hubbard will have to avoid France on his return as the Church of Scientology was just convicted of large-scale fraud. Litigation is capable of pursuit in the underworld? That makes sense. You can't run from the lawyers, but you can take a lot of fools with you.

Aries

Aries Barnaby Joyce says he is being picked on by bullies within the Libs who only speak through the media, but maybe he's just being picked on by the media. This week you will organise a meet with your bully and find out their true identity. They're weaker than you thought.

Taurus

Poor Tony Blair, thinking he can win an election. Things don't look good for the EU presidency as he's failing to secure the necessary votes. This week you will get a lucky break. Until then, grin like an idiot, even when they're throwing rotten lettuce at your head.

Gemini

Workplace communication flows well today; you might even manage to snip a couple of links in that chain that attaches your soul to your desk. Go have a little run in the sunshine before you have an agoraphobic panic and lock yourself back in.

Cancer

Cancerian 50 Cent has been selling a few of his diamonds to offset the financial blues. Wall Street might be making a statistical recovery, but you're making a trip to the hock shop. Your human resources are abundant, however, so work with your networks.

Leo

Leo, standing around saluting flag-draped coffins doesn't make you look like you're doing something in Afghanistan, it makes you look like a guy with a serious image management budget. This is a good week for redistributing some of your copious resources.

Virgo

You've been waiting for your ship to come in, but it seems the wrong ship showed up. You could pull a Rudd, pull the rudder off and pray it drifts away, claiming that it's someone else's problem. Sadly, it's yours now, so you'll just have to deal with it.

Libra

Punk's not dead, it's profitable. A report by the RAND Corporation found that paying students to finish high school prevents crime better than tough sentencing. This week you figure out a way to get paid to be a young hoodlum with no prospects.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:43:00 +0000

Scorpio

You look like you're out of your depth, Scorpio. If you're as unlucky as Turnbull, that water you're treading is full of circling sharks to boot. Don't expect any heroes to show up but you can still get yourself out of this situation with some quick thinking.

Sagittarius

The threats to your social paradigm might seem disastrous at the moment, but soon you'll see these petty squabbles as a useful realignment of your networks. Acquaintances deleting you? It was time to shed some dead weight anyway.

Capricorn

A new working arrangement will bring benefits, even if it's just a matter of moving your desk in accordance with feng shui. It's possible that Jenny Macklin will even get a house built in Central Australia, but that might involve moving her desk into a town camp first.

Aquarius

With Saturn stimulating your restlessness, you'll be exploring this week, but leave the safari suit and knee socks at home - this is an inner journey. Do take a map lest you end up wandering the infinite deserts of your soul like some mad old German.

Pisces

This week, your humour has some pretty serious consequences. Asking everyone to lighten up after another one of your inappropriate stunts will either get you into trouble or onto Hey Hey It's Saturday, where for some reason it's always a Saturday in 1972.

Aries

An ex-lover you never quite got over but for some reason lost touch with, you know, the one you still wonder about on Sunday afternoons when the slow heat makes you wistful, won't show up this week. Instead you get the annoying one that you're still embarrassed about.

Taurus

There is actually a place called The Doldrums. It's an equatorial section of the Atlantic Ocean governed by dull calm with occasional sudden storms. Your week will be like that: sluggish sailing, but you will beg for tedium when the weather starts to squall.

Gemini

As Saturn moves into your psychic theatre, you will find yourself dressing strangely and trying out new characters. I know some guy said all the world's a stage, but be cautious. Your experiments might be misinterpreted as a rare identity disorder and get you locked in a lab.

Cancer

Cancerians are feeling beseiged at the moment, which partly explains why Wilson Tuckey thinks there is a swarm of terrorists in our northern waters (surely they can afford to fly). This week you need to check your irrational phobias while you face a couple of your rational fears.

Leo

Did you say something you shouldn't have? This week brings up some hardcore communication karma for Leos. It's too late to backtrack, the newspapers already have hold of the story. If you listen closely you can hear them setting the type on your character assassination.

Virgo

If you're planning to get a crack squad of special agents together for Asian disasters, don't forget to ask if such an intervention is all right with the relevant heads of state. Save the military fantasies for the Northern Territory, where sovereignty is still out of fashion.

Libra

Your life is like that jar of nuts and bolts and twist ties and bread tags that you keep on the kitchen bench, except that someone has tipped it all out on the floor. I know, it's an annoying mess, but I don't know why you were accumulating all that crap anyway.

Horoscopes

noreply@blogger.com (jenjen) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Libra

Ancient Romans celebrated October 19th as The Armilustrium, a ceremonial spear-cleaning and storage party indicating the end of warring season. This week, I insist you improvise a purification ritual of your own: it's time to put away your weapons.

Scorpio

Like Scorpio Penny Wong, you realise that threatening to shorten your enemy's Chistmas holidays is not the best of strategies. This week, use the carrot and make them an offer they can't refuse. After all, it's outcomes we want, not political point-scoring. Isn't it?

Sagittarius

The universe is training you for better relationships, so while the current situation isn't making much sense, bear with the regime of emotional sit-ups, psychic tummy-crunches and astral aquarobics. You'll be fitter for what comes next.

Capricorn

The world is having issues with authority this week, and for once Capricorns are not on the side of the status quo. But choose your battles very carefully: all will soon be settled and it's vital you come out of it with the right allies.

Aquarius

Your restlessness will soon reap rewards, so accept any travel opportunities that come up over the next three weeks, unless they are made by mad inventors in Colorado and involve homemade hot air balloons, tiny children, and eight thousand bored journalists.

Pisces

Pisces Philip Ruddock stumbled in from his political graveyard to weigh in on asylum seeker strategy as though his opinion was still worth something. Sorry, Pisces, but you are seated way up in the back for a reason. Go back to sleep.

Aries

Several recent articles about vampires have focused on their perennial role as symbols of sexual taboo. This week, rather than digesting someone else's personification of your repressed parts, design your own sexy fear-inducing monster. Prizes if it comes to life.

Taurus

Taurus Barbra Striesand is having a massive charity auction this week as she doesn't have room for all her treasure. You're suffering from a strikingly similar situation, but on a smaller scale as you hock your last pair of shoes and move into a cardboard box.

Gemini

Gemini Prince Frederik of Denmark kept falling over at the Masters Games, ending up in Sydney Harbour a couple of times. Your pratfalls remind the rest of us that you're just a regular guy/gal. Sorry, but your people are enjoying the schadenfreude.

Cancer

Whatever seed you planted on the weekend will grow very well. I hope you weren't conducting one of your GM/triffid experiments back there. This week has the potential to be frustrating unless you engage your capacity for serenity and patience. You will see sprouts by Friday.

Leo

This week you will start considering your living situation in more detail and be seized by a desire to do something about it. Don't act until you're sure you've explored the options as you will have a tendency to rush in like a fool and build your new house out of straws.

Virgo

Frank "fired again" Farina blames his honesty for his unpopularity, rather than admitting to his drinking problem. Meanwhile KevPM owns up to smacking his kids now and then. Oh dear, you Virgos really need to think about what you're saying before you open your mouths.