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Pisces

Today’s new moon is all yours, Pisces, so keep an eye out for epiphanies. Hint: they are not a delicious Greek pastry and you will not find them in the display case of your local bakery. But you might as well start there as anywhere.

Aries

Today is international day against police brutality. You might follow the old anarchist slogan and beat yourself up, but my advice is to stop. Stop beating yourself up about all the things you can’t achieve, and start focusing on the things you can. It makes you feel better.

Taurus

A new friend or a visitor will give you some inspiration in a week otherwise characterised by disengagement and malaise. Maybe you rely too much on other people to keep your spirits up, but who cares, that’s other people’s problem now.

Gemini

Sometimes I struggle to say anything interesting about you, even though Lara Bingle is a Gemini - guess that’s why I work here and not at the Sydney Morning Herald. This week you will drop your engagement ring down a toilet, lose some contracts, maybe grin stupidly for a bit. No big deal.

Cancer

Today’s moon will have you pining for far-off lands and people, but that should motivate you to plan some adventures for the rest of the year. There’s been some major travel on the cards for a while and now’s the time to get things moving.

Leo

Leo Barack Obama has delayed his tour of Australia because apparently he has some non-rockstar business to attend to in his own country, like making legislation or something. This week is all about where you show up, not what you’re up to.

Virgo

Mercury’s slipping into something more comfortable and your risk-taking energy is warming up. For Virgos, that means not ironing your pyjamas before bed. You might even throw the antibacterial hand wash out the window, but then you’ll run outside and pick it up again.

Libra

Libran David Cameron has a smashing profile in Vanity Fair this month. Before you get all caught up in that glossy self-image, it’s worth remembering that it’s not about how much of a plastic wanker you are but about whether or not you can pull the numbers.

Scorpio

Personally I am loving Tony Abbott’s strategic ridiculousness and I wish we could stay in pre-election hijinks forever. This week your Scorpio stunts are slightly less dangerous but ever more inspired. I take my hat off to you and also I throw up my hands.

Sagittarius

A fit of homesickness gives you a better idea of how you might configure your living arrangements. You have been thinking about what you’re missing out on instead of seeing the possibilities of a new configuration of the same old crap. See? It’s way cheaper.

Capricorn

Capricorn David Bartlett might be worried about this week’s election in Tassie, but he’s not showing it. It’s all about putting on a happy face, even if it means you have to hold up a cardboard cut-out from one of your own posters. What do you mean he’s not already doing that?

Aquarius

Aquarius, if your crusade is anything like Nick Xenophon’s latest, be careful. Taking on the creepy corporate cult could mean you are found tied up in the boot of a car with your mouth stuffed with sci-fi novels. Strangely enough, a similar scenario applies to fighting Amazon.