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Pisces

Rupert Murdoch tuns seventy-nine on Thursday, and will continue his vendetta against the New York Times by cordoning off sections of the actual city behind a paywall. Dear Pisces, may your media empire never crumble under the weight of reality.

Aries

Nicola Roxon has been feeling left out of the hospital takeover conversation as Rudd tries to gather brownie points for himself. Are you sensing your input isn’t appreciated? Don’t worry Aries, your turn to look busy will soon come.

Taurus

As another International Womens Day rolls around Taureans are well placed to explore their gender politics. You may not be a fish in a polluted river but this is still an excellent week to develop toxicity-related sexual dimorphism.

Gemini

With Naomi Campbell in trouble for slapping her limo driver, it looks like Geminis are out of control again. A change of circumstances means your mood swings will become less prevalent but rather more concentrated. Stay away from sharp objects.

Cancer

Cancerian Wayne Swan is gleeful about projected economic growth - at least his job is still safe. Your strategy of responsible inaction seems to be working for you, but this week you might try giving the passivity a little more oomph.

Leo

John Howard has finally landed his dream job with the cricket nerds. It is a pity he had to get through that long apprenticeship as Prime Minister of a small island nation first. This week Leos will all get the offers they’ve been hanging out for.

Virgo

Mars goes out of retrograde this week so you will be forced to backtrack on some of the messy interpersonal wars you’ve started over the last few weeks. If you don’t have an exit strategy, just withdraw so slowly that no-one realises you are really leaving.

Libra

Librans are good at giving with one hand and taking away with the other: look at Julia Gillard’s technique of teaching kids up just so they can starve when they start university. This week only about half of your earnest interventions will come good.

Scorpio

The only reason Tony Abbott’s not the next Harold Holt is that he won’t get elected first. Scorpios are so accident-prone right now, you should be prioritising your activities according to strict safety guidelines. If you believed in unions they might help you.

Sagittarius

After your recent burst of decisiveness you might be tempted to withdraw, but stay in the game: this week you will start to see more results. The feeling of power will be so addictive that you’ll be starting your own tinpot dictatorship in no time.

Capricorn

Since Abbott’s visit to Central Australia, Jenny Macklin might be tempted to drive a quad bike into the wilderness too. Be careful Capricorn, this week your cries for help are likely to be misinterpreted as mere tax dollar holidaymaking.

Aquarius

The Mars retrograde has drained your self-esteem so badly that it’s starting to look like the Murray-Darling, but it’s almost over. Later this week the floodwaters of your ego will pour in to restore your natural state of unbearable vanity.