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Pisces

Pisces Viktor Yushchenko is icing the cake of disappointment as the Ukraine re-elects the bad guy he deposed in 2004. This week you get a late compensation for your recent failures. While you don’t get to run any countries, we will at least have you eating cake.

Aries

Peter Garrett wants to set your house on fire! Sure, Aries are irresponsible, but sometimes you are simply blamed for things you didn’t have any control over. Go ahead and stand in the corner looking contrite anyway, it usually gets you off the hook.

Taurus

Despite your recent disaffection with shallow social climbers, you’ll be seized by an appetite for good company this week. Arranging last-minute invitations and retracting apologies is no problem, but you might have to swallow some of that hermit pride.

Gemini

Gemini George Papandreou is probably feeling a bit sheepish about asking for help. You’re all challenged by your vulnerability right now. Think of it as being plugged in to an infinite web of complex interconnectivities known as serious debt.

Cancer

The moon in dreamy Pisces places you in serious danger of slapping a Magic Happens sticker on your car. Stop, before it’s too late! Whatever you do, make sure your many acts of kindness are non-purple, sparkle-free, and dished out according to merit.

Leo

Obama has a date with the Lama on Thursday. For Leos, making friends is a tough decision right now. If you meet him, it could result in a massive diplomatic rift with China. If you don’t meet him, ditto California. We all know you’ll choose the better photo op.

Virgo

Rudd tried blaming the GFC for his broken promises the very same week that some economist declared the crisis over (at least until the next one). It seems you’re out of touch with the exchange rate of standard excuses. Perhaps you need to hire a promisonomist.

Libra

This week you will find the long-lost jar of elbow grease that allows your work to proceed with its natural passionate energy and creative flair. As a bonus you will solve the mystery of that weird noise at your desk. Turns out it was your elbows creaking.

Scorpio

You have always prided yourself on swimming against the stream. Don’t you realise that means you have to work twice as hard to get half as far? And then at the end you get eaten by bears! At this rate you might as well be a woman in Canberra.

Sagittarius

Poor old Kim Beazley had a nasty fall over in the US, but at least he gets to chill on the couch for a while. This week’s stars cause a Sagittarian comfort blowout. You might gain a few kilos, but that ought to cushion the next embarrassing landing.

Capricorn

The end of your lunar cycle should see you emotionally calmer, ready to accept whatever circumstances you have landed in with equanimity. You may now dedicate Whinge Time to your preferred customer service hotline/comment thread.

Aquarius

February 17 is International Hug a Bigfoot Day, which was probably just planted on Wikipedia by a bored Aquarian, but that’s what passes for research around here. Many of you will already be out bunyip hunting; Aquarians with birthdays this week will be the bunyips.