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Aquarius

e e cummings wrote your horoscope this week: ‘Humanity i love you because you are perpetually putting the secret of/ life in your pants and forgetting/it's there and sitting down// on it’ All I have to add is check your pockets before you do your washing.

Pisces

A triple conjunction on Friday blesses Pisceans with holistic abilities such as psychic healing, talking to the animals and being able to channel the ancient spirits of trees. Actually you just watched Avatar so many times you may never return to your pathetic crippled self. Oh well.

Aries

As we come up to an election year, I can see Aries Peter Garrett contemplating another term with growing horror. When your day job was singing pirate songs at the Opera House, why did you give it up? This week you get a chance to return to a former passion.

Taurus

Last week Taurean Tony surprised no-one by channelling Edith Piaf for his Je Ne Regrette Rien, I’d do it all again speech. A mite tasteless in front of the weeping widows, but hard truths must be said. This week your popularity falls to record lows. Again.

Gemini

Sensitivity and caution are called for this week, as your personal agenda will overwhelm calm analysis and put you at a serious disadvantage later when the fight becomes less about who gets what and more about moral righteousness. I smell an election.

Cancer

Midweek will be a good time to be friendly, though others will confuse your signals. Take the initiative, even when it feels like your niceness is becoming belligerent. A bombardment of Cancerian niceness will surely win over even the meanest of big meanies.

Leo

Leo Hugo Chavez is copping protests from both sides. This week you ponder the inertia which results from being pushed in two opposite directions. Happily, it allows you to stay sitting smugly on your giant oil reserve nest, making nonsensical speeches about your own ineffable wisdom.

Virgo

As parliament resumes and Rudd psychs up for an election year, Virgos are all about the training montage. Long speeches about fiscal responsibility and education infrastructure may be exciting for you, but please remember that you are mostly there to entertain us.

Libra

The triple conjunction in Aquarius will mean that you get some new information, but painfully. I predict Julia Gillard upgrades the My School website to include stats on individual playground bullies: it’ll be 15 Chinese burns this week at Libra High.

Scorpio

Perhaps Tony Abbott was only trying to protect his kids when he made those tacky remarks about teenage virgins last week. With you Scorpios, it seems the debate always has to rage somewhere below the belt. This week is no exception.

Sagittarius

Not content with cutting military ties with the USA or declaring war on Google, Hu Jintao is now having henchmen hide spyware in those freebie USB drives they give away at conferences. Come on Sagittarius, this isn’t a James Bond movie.

Capricorn

If you’re looking for an escape, take a page from Capricorn JD Salinger’s book. The old recluse, who passed away last week, decided at some point in the 1960s to become a mythical character and was barely heard from again. It's really an excellent way to stay in print.