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Scorpio

Today's new moon sees you digging through junk you put in storage years ago. It's a great week for jettisoning old relationship baggage into deep space where it can mystify life on other planets with its poorly evolved understanding of happiness.

Sagittarius

Like Stephen Smith, you are having trouble finding a babysitter for your issues. Mercury's arrival brings a strong message so no more procrastinating and/or begging neighbouring countries to save you. Later in the week the initiative you're taking will feel natural.

Capricorn

'I went to sleep as Rhianna and woke up as Britney Spears,' said Capricorn Rhianna of the media frenzy around her breakup with violent partner Chris Brown. Embrace your vulnerabilities, Capricorn, before you wake up in someone else's horrible circus.

Aquarius

What Aquarians really need right now is a good idea. You think you've got a few, but really you've just got the same old ideas wrapped up in a new shade of brown. Either start exploiting some creative youths or apply for a job as adviser to the ALP.

Pisces

Not only is Piscean arch-villain Rupert Murdoch bent on destroying the New York Times, word is he's now set his laser beams on Barack Obama. Over-extending yourself with the personal vendettas? Nothing says mwahaha like a little chilling restraint.

Aries

Aries Senator Nick Minchin gave good dimwit on climate change last week. Can you keep it up? It looks like you are about to learn how the baby polar bear feels when it's floating away from its mother on a sheet of melting ice. Deny that, sucker.

Taurus

Your relationships come into focus this week, which makes you wonder why you have been carrying on for so long in blurry relationships. Clear sight won't make you any better at changing direction, but at least you'll know where you're headed.

Gemini

You know what your problem is Gemini, you're bored. Without other people watching, your life appears absurd and meaningless. (See? Even tautology has lost its charm.) Ramp up your existence with excessive diarising and do only that which will make an interesting read.

Cancer

Happy International Day for Tolerance, Cancer. It's a misunderstood quality, often mistaken for apathy; you have both in spades. This week, you draw a line between what you really stand for and what you couldn't be bothered getting up to deal with.

Leo

Leo confidence is backfiring this week as awkward astral energy makes your bold pronouncements look like belligerent confusion. You could try making some belligerent pronouncements, but I think you'll have better luck with bold confusion.

Virgo

Dull old Kevin reckons he has infinite patience. Looks like Virgos are trying an old familiar tactic of boring everyone else into submission, but lately it doesn't seem to be working. Don't worry. One more 'when it comes to' and we'll all be out cold.

Libra

Your heart is in the right place, Libra, but your spirit is on back to front and you keep putting your wrong foot forward. You were falling apart, you pulled yourself together, and now you're in the wrong order. Enough with the premature psychic mechanics.