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Scorpio

You're too indecisive to put a bet on this week's Melbourne cup, unless it's a dollar per horse. Celebrate your vacillation by sporting a fascinator made out of a defibrillator, and don't fret - gambling losses will be offset by legitimate gains at work.

Sagittarius

In Mexico, today is Dia de los Difuntos, when the souls of dead adults are lavished with offerings of sugar skulls and marigolds. This week, you might have to put out an altarful of lollies to get what you need, but it will be worth it.

Capricorn

You'll be pipped at the post by a faster pony this week. If you put your hoof in it, the resulting social dramas should be resolved quickly with direct action tactics. Next time don't just fantasize about putting ketamine in your rival's nose bag.

Aquarius

Your magical powers will be heightened this week, so don't be disturbed if you levitate. Later in the week, someone will come along and put rocks in your pockets to keep you grounded, and for a change you'll appreciate the intervention.

Pisces

Pisces L Ron Hubbard will have to avoid France on his return as the Church of Scientology was just convicted of large-scale fraud. Litigation is capable of pursuit in the underworld? That makes sense. You can't run from the lawyers, but you can take a lot of fools with you.

Aries

Aries Barnaby Joyce says he is being picked on by bullies within the Libs who only speak through the media, but maybe he's just being picked on by the media. This week you will organise a meet with your bully and find out their true identity. They're weaker than you thought.

Taurus

Poor Tony Blair, thinking he can win an election. Things don't look good for the EU presidency as he's failing to secure the necessary votes. This week you will get a lucky break. Until then, grin like an idiot, even when they're throwing rotten lettuce at your head.

Gemini

Workplace communication flows well today; you might even manage to snip a couple of links in that chain that attaches your soul to your desk. Go have a little run in the sunshine before you have an agoraphobic panic and lock yourself back in.

Cancer

Cancerian 50 Cent has been selling a few of his diamonds to offset the financial blues. Wall Street might be making a statistical recovery, but you're making a trip to the hock shop. Your human resources are abundant, however, so work with your networks.

Leo

Leo, standing around saluting flag-draped coffins doesn't make you look like you're doing something in Afghanistan, it makes you look like a guy with a serious image management budget. This is a good week for redistributing some of your copious resources.

Virgo

You've been waiting for your ship to come in, but it seems the wrong ship showed up. You could pull a Rudd, pull the rudder off and pray it drifts away, claiming that it's someone else's problem. Sadly, it's yours now, so you'll just have to deal with it.

Libra

Punk's not dead, it's profitable. A report by the RAND Corporation found that paying students to finish high school prevents crime better than tough sentencing. This week you figure out a way to get paid to be a young hoodlum with no prospects.