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Scorpio

You look like you're out of your depth, Scorpio. If you're as unlucky as Turnbull, that water you're treading is full of circling sharks to boot. Don't expect any heroes to show up but you can still get yourself out of this situation with some quick thinking.

Sagittarius

The threats to your social paradigm might seem disastrous at the moment, but soon you'll see these petty squabbles as a useful realignment of your networks. Acquaintances deleting you? It was time to shed some dead weight anyway.

Capricorn

A new working arrangement will bring benefits, even if it's just a matter of moving your desk in accordance with feng shui. It's possible that Jenny Macklin will even get a house built in Central Australia, but that might involve moving her desk into a town camp first.

Aquarius

With Saturn stimulating your restlessness, you'll be exploring this week, but leave the safari suit and knee socks at home - this is an inner journey. Do take a map lest you end up wandering the infinite deserts of your soul like some mad old German.

Pisces

This week, your humour has some pretty serious consequences. Asking everyone to lighten up after another one of your inappropriate stunts will either get you into trouble or onto Hey Hey It's Saturday, where for some reason it's always a Saturday in 1972.

Aries

An ex-lover you never quite got over but for some reason lost touch with, you know, the one you still wonder about on Sunday afternoons when the slow heat makes you wistful, won't show up this week. Instead you get the annoying one that you're still embarrassed about.

Taurus

There is actually a place called The Doldrums. It's an equatorial section of the Atlantic Ocean governed by dull calm with occasional sudden storms. Your week will be like that: sluggish sailing, but you will beg for tedium when the weather starts to squall.

Gemini

As Saturn moves into your psychic theatre, you will find yourself dressing strangely and trying out new characters. I know some guy said all the world's a stage, but be cautious. Your experiments might be misinterpreted as a rare identity disorder and get you locked in a lab.

Cancer

Cancerians are feeling beseiged at the moment, which partly explains why Wilson Tuckey thinks there is a swarm of terrorists in our northern waters (surely they can afford to fly). This week you need to check your irrational phobias while you face a couple of your rational fears.

Leo

Did you say something you shouldn't have? This week brings up some hardcore communication karma for Leos. It's too late to backtrack, the newspapers already have hold of the story. If you listen closely you can hear them setting the type on your character assassination.

Virgo

If you're planning to get a crack squad of special agents together for Asian disasters, don't forget to ask if such an intervention is all right with the relevant heads of state. Save the military fantasies for the Northern Territory, where sovereignty is still out of fashion.

Libra

Your life is like that jar of nuts and bolts and twist ties and bread tags that you keep on the kitchen bench, except that someone has tipped it all out on the floor. I know, it's an annoying mess, but I don't know why you were accumulating all that crap anyway.