Horoscopes

Scorpio

Happy birthday EZLN, 25 today. Just like the Zapatistas your superpowers will turn out to be more ordinary than at first thought. At least you still have energy for your corner of the world - the revolution begins at home.

Sagittarius

One by one you throw the switches of your internal fusebox and watch the lights come back on. Anything by ACDC will match this mood. But take it slow, as you may short circuit this weekend if your wiring is old and wonky.

Capricorn

Affectionate Caps will be snuggling smugly in their newfound safe warm holes. Perhaps it's those new Hummers the cops have. To avoid dullness, simply envision the car chases through narrow Melbourne alleys.

Aquarius

This week use your powers of mystification for something like the Yes Men's latest stunt. You don't have to print a million newspapers with 'Iraq War Ends' - but publicise your secret wishes and they will manifest.

Pisces

Nathan Rees' bio doesn't peg his sign, but i'm guessing Pisces. Your hapless bumbling is beginning to seem like an ancient family curse. Visit a variety of shamanic healers - why not start with a Chinese massage?

Aries

Spontaneous Aries become dangerously unpredictable this weekend as your ruler Mars enters a powerful conjunction. If you have nowhere to put your energy you may sail off into space like a Venezuelan rocket, proclaiming ideological nonsense.

Taurus

Restless? Frustrated? In the words of the inimitable ex-punk Penberthy, go sack yourself. Seriously, it's time you found a role better suited to your avante-garde style and set out to cut some edges.

Gemini

You've acquired a disturbing tendency to plod. After a quiet week you will be seized by a new crusade which invigorates your work. Try and find equilibrium, even if you have to stand in the middle of this see-saw.

Cancer

Frosty? to Our Kev? It seems even snowmen are out of work thanks to the economic doldrums. Croatia has already banned Christmas, and other countries are bound to follow. THANKS GEORGE.

Leo

Power flows through your veins like your first hit in ages as the reality of the situation kicks in. Leos, including ex PMs, will mouth off as much as they like, especially after Friday, but it seems your audience is no longer captive.

Virgo

In case you're tempted to come over all KEVINPM, I should warn you that this is the last week you'll be feeling In Touch for a while. Try being a man of the people when the people recoil shuddering.

Libra

Thoughts of home might seem unwelcome, but you should appreciate your fondness for your kin as a sign of emotional maturity. Probably a good idea to make your will while you're inclined to be generous.